50 EXCELLENT WAYS TO CONFIRM YOU ARE INDEED A MOTHER

  1. Your toddler just licked the floor at the pediatrician’s office.
  2. You made a human INSIDE of you and then got that human out by way of your vagina or major surgery.
  3. You caught pinkeye from your child’s entire first grade and then used eardrops instead of eyedrops to treat it. Come on, you were bleary-eyed. But just for the record this is NOT an ideal solution. True story. Not mine. Super badass.
  4. Your car looks like the inside of a prison cafeteria.
  5. Your car looks like the inside of a Mini Storage.
  6. Your car is so disgusting that you honestly consider just throwing it away and starting with a new one.
  7. At a fancy dinner of adults only, you excuse yourself by saying, “I have to go to the potty.”
  8. Three minutes before you leave the house, your baby has a blowout. And you’re wearing white pants.
  9. You know Pinkalicious by heart and could do a one-woman show depicting all the characters.
  10. You analyze every envelope liner for your kid’s invitation on Paperless Post but never notice them on other people’s invites.
  11. You’ve used a diaper as a maxi pad. In a pinch.
  12. When you met Laurie Berkner you were a little bit starstruck.
  13. You use baby wipes for everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.
  14. You have a portable cupcake carrier that you actually store in a convenient location.
  15. The moral to Daniel Tiger can occasionally bring you to tears.
  16. Sitting in the middle seat between a sumo wrestler and a lonely grandmother is blissful when you are flying alone.
  17. You’ve begun to consider People magazine literary fiction.
  18. At 4:35 p.m. you start to justify why pouring a glass of wine is completely reasonable.
  19. At karaoke with the girls you contemplate singing “Let it Go” because, let’s be honest, you’re going to kill it.
  20. You are completely convinced that a cheese stick, a bag of Goldfish, and a GoGo squeeZ pouch are a well-balanced dinner for your child.
  21. You yourself just had a cheese stick, a bag of Goldfish and a GoGo squeeZ pouch for dinner.
  22. When your son pees in the houseplant, it’s a win-win. At least the plant is getting watered, and your son didn’t wet his pants.
  23. You forget your middle name.
  24. You forget your kid’s middle name.
  25. You forget how old you are.
  26. Your two-year-old just mixed all of the colors together in a jumbo pack of Play-Doh.
  27. You hate Play-Doh so much. Like SO much.
  28. Your toddler gives up her nap and you cry for a week.
  29. You love doing a family costume theme for Halloween and then curse yourself endlessly.
  30. You’ve convinced yourself that YouTube videos can be educational.
  31. You have stock in the Magic Sponge.
  32. After your daughter’s princess party your son has glitter stuck to his balls for an indeterminate amount of time.
  33. You finally make an amazing dinner. Like out of Martha Stewart Living. And you take a picture of it and post it to Instagram because it’s so healthy and colorful. Then your kids start making puking sounds and ask for frozen waffles.
  34. You step on a Lego and you honestly question why you had children.
  35. Unless you are out without your kids, you never EVER use the bathroom by yourself.
  36. It’s snowing out and you must pick up your eldest at school. However your youngest won’t wear shoes. Or pants. So you Uber it there. Shoeless and pantless. And you’re pretty proud of yourself for being so resourceful.
  37. You may have a slight crush on Maui from Moana. I mean the moving tats are pretty hot.
  38. But you REALLY have a crush on Handy Manny. Oh, stop. You do too.
  39. Pinterest is your best friend and your evil enemy.
  40. If you met Caillou on the street, you would kick him to the curb.
  41. You clean the Matchbox cars off the floor with a broom and dustpan.
  42. You’ve composed an incredibly catchy tune about pooping and consider yourself to be a bit of a poop doula.
  43. Cutting your toddler’s fingernails is pretty much an extreme sport.
  44. You’ve done things that before having kids you swore you would never do. And now you actually do them on a regular basis.
  45. Your bed is no longer your bed.
  46. Actually nothing is yours anymore.
  47. Basically when they start calling your iPad THEIR iPad, it’s all over.
  48. You used to store your shoes in the oven and not go out until 10 p.m. Now you’re lucky if you can stay awake for This Is Us.
  49. Literally you could sleep anywhere. A subway platform. Under your desk. Standing up. A bowling alley. IKEA.
  50. But what the hell. You wouldn’t give it up for a villa in Tuscany or a truckload of rosé or a permanent pool boy.

Because as hard as they can be … they are pure magic.

Magic is the moment you hear your baby giggle for the first time, or when they pat your shoulder so lightly as you carry them to bed.

Magic is when you ask her what her superhero name would be and she says, “Kindness Girl.”

Magic is the fact that their faces look the same when you pick them up from school as they do on Christmas morning.

Magic is when your son sees a bubble for the first time or your daughter sees the first snowfall of the winter.

Magic is how they look right out of the bath in their footed pajamas.

Magic is watching them make a home run or play the piano in a recital or point out their piece of art in a sea of scribbles.

Magic is the smell of your baby’s head.

Magic is holding hands across the street and letting them be little.

Magic is loving them more than you love anything else in the world.

So you know what? It totally evens out. Moms for the win.

But don’t get me wrong. You still deserve a sippy cup the size of the Leaning Tower of Pisa and a two-hour massage and a permanent pool boy. Please refer to the FIFTY reasons above.

Happy Mother’s Day, you badasses. You sacrificing, sexy supermoms never cease to amaze me. Enjoy this day, and when your three-year-old son disrobes and covers himself in orange marker from head to toe, try to take a deep breath and remember how lucky you actually are. And of course take a photo to use for blackmail purposes or to show his future prom date or for the slideshow at his wedding.

Bottoms up, my lovelies. And I don’t mean your baby’s bottom.

2 Comments

  1. Jan Newman
    May 14, 2017 / 3:39 pm

    Courtney, You make me laugh out loud and sometimes I pee my pants! TMI?

    • Courtney
      May 14, 2017 / 5:51 pm

      OMG. I pee my pants ALL THE TIME. That is a huge compliment. 🙂

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